The complexity of the relationship between two people with a child (either already born or on the way) often leads to a problem of blurred lines. What this is, is that when it is unclear what the relationship is, then it becomes tough to have or impose expectations, plan for a future or assign parental responsibilities. The lack of clarity then causes a situation where the relationship is at the mercy of whatever wind may be blowing. Ever heard of people who are in relationships they didn’t know they were in? Well, that’s a very real possibility when relationships aren’t defined.
In the context of the parenting relationship, it is important to be on the same page concerning what the father-mother relationship which will then determine how it affects the child with regard to financial and social responsibility, expectations on each party and how that then affects even future romantic relationships. By asking these questions, it is possible to bring significantly more clarity to the relationship and avoid the trap, and even pain, of blurred lines.
Question #1: What are we?
If there has ever been a dreaded question, especially in a casual millennial relationship, this has to be it. I believe the reason this question causes so much pressure is that answering it, particularly to say that you’re a couple, encapsulates within itself a myriad of responsibilities and expectations. Someone who is in it as an entanglement won’t have the same responsibility as someone who expects to meet your parents in 2 months. Defining the relationship allows the two parties to have an idea of what they expect from each other even before they can begin talking about the child.
Question #2: Where are we now?
Once it is clear what the relationship is (as being inexistent, casual or serious), then you can place yourself on a scale of where exactly that relationship is. For example, if you have opted to define your relationship as serious, then are you just starting to pursue the relationship or are you planning to go home and meet the parents? Those are drastically different points of the scale when dating. Similarly, if it’s an inexistent relationship, i.e. it was a fling that resulted in a pregnancy, are you parting ways completely despite the presence of the child or are you now thinking of getting to know each other? Understanding where you are also creates clarity in expectation for each party because you don’t want to fall into the trap of placing the expectation of a soon-to-be husband on a one-night stand swiftly exiting your life. It’s bound to fail, miserably.
Question #3: Where are we going?
Understanding where you are can then help to map out what the future of the relationship is, if that’s in the works. Life has to be lived intentionally if you ever want to get anything meaningful out of it. Therefore, making a plan that takes into consideration the agreed-upon expectations of both parties helps to get you on the path towards a successful future. Please note that this plan has to be discussed, understood and accepted by both parties. Don’t make plans on your own in your head and hope that your partner will eventually get on board. Don’t go out being a missionary in your relationship hoping that they’ll “eventually around”. The truth that it won’t work out may be painful but it is even more painful to live a life of empty hopes which eventually builds resentment over unrealistic expectations. Don’t fool yourself.
Question #4: What does this mean for us?
When the plan for the future is, to a large extent, clear, then you can take responsibility for each person’s part in reaching that future. For instance, if nothing about your lives seems to allow you to have a future together, then you can decide if that would mean that you go your separate ways or co-parent in a civil way for the child. On the other hand, if you decide to pursue a serious relationship, then you need to map your direction from there. It may mean that you need to make plans to meet the parents and/or plan to have a wedding. Whatever the plan may be, it has to be within the context of the future you foresee for each other.
Question #5: What does it mean for our relationship?
Finally, when your relationship seems to take one form or another, decide what that then means for the child. If you decide to part ways, will you need to sign off full custody to one parent or will you co-parent? If you decide to pursue a relationship, does that mean that you will move in together (something I don’t advocate for) or will you make arrangements to fast-track your wedding process? Whatever you decide, define what that will mean for the child especially when co-parenting is involved. Issues such as financial and social obligations have a tendency to destroy the possibility of a civil co-parenting relationship if left undefined because of unclear expectations. Make it clear and stick to the agreement.
Wisdom demands that mature people define relationships before relationships define them. Living intentionally requires that adults clarify expectations and relationships to avoid the trap of emotional pain and resentment that comes from constantly feeling like your partner has failed you or vice versa. Talk, listen, understand and agree even when you disagree, do so in a mature way. Chose to be civil because often, your child’s life literally depends on it.
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