“I have a plan! I will get my first child at 25, then the next at 27, and the last at 29. I wouldn’t want to be popping babies after I get to the third floor. Given that by round 24, I’ll hopefully be married, then I can get the baby chapter done as soon as possible so that I can get on to raising them while I’m still ‘young.’ I have a plan!” I said as I decisively put together what was to be the blueprint for my life. And as all movies go, that plan crushed, burned, and the wind blew away the ashes.
Now back to reality, life went in a direction as if to say, “Done planning? Okay. So, this is how it’s going to go.” And part of the amendments to the plan included having a child at 19 during my first year in university (yes, I was those ones. Lol!)
Fast forward several years later, my child is eight years old now, and life is amazingly beautiful with a hint of the occasional moments when you wonder if children can still be sold, but you get to keep the rights. But then again, you hear that’s a crime, so you accept life as it is and move on. All in all, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. The world of love that opens up when you become a parent is unimaginable. The small joys of the first baby bottle, the first step, the first word, and even the first exploration of what happens when the hard plastic toy hits the TV screen at maximum speed are all priceless – they do elicit quite the variety of emotions.
It wasn’t always like this, though. The fact that a joke or two can come from this situation is more than I can thank God for. Having struggled with depression, suicidal ideation, broken hearts, and spirits, all because of my actions brought with it a weight that I couldn’t think bearable. I felt alone and unwanted. I felt I wasn’t good enough to be a mother to my child. I felt I wasn’t worth trying to save. I felt I had the chance to be something in this life, but I blew it, and spectacularly if I must say. I felt no one would ever see me the same again – that’s if their current reactions were anything to go by. I felt I was an outcast; very few people my age had babies at 19. I felt that I was a disappointment. I felt that God was probably done with me. This was my darkness, and in it, I was at home.
See, people think they understand what it’s like being in that kind of space. They have all the advice in the world for how wrong you were not to listen to your parents. I remember one lady once told me, “Wah! Kumbe Uko na ball! Najua umekosea wazazi wako sana lakini unajua makosa itakuwa kurudia hii kitu tena.” (Translation: “Oh! You’re pregnant! You know you’ve disappointed your parents but the mistake would be to do this again”). Now, we aren’t anywhere past the first recovery. Are you already alluding to the possibility of another pregnancy?! The need to make an unsolicited comment or give some baseless advice is a pandemic in our society, and something needs to be done about it.
Just to make this a lot clearer, I wrote a blog post about this very thing – people speaking with so much authority and absoluteness about situations they don’t understand. Here is an excerpt that explains what I mean:
A couple of months ago, I watched a TV show where there was a discussion about whether or not someone should marry the person they impregnate or impregnates them. It caught my attention. I was keen to hear what the panelists had to say because I’ve always wanted to get as much information about motherhood and life after unwed pregnancy since I got pregnant. The show then begins with an introduction of the four or five panelists. Two are married to each other; one is a husband, I believe one was a married woman, and the last was a single lady with no kids.
(Heavily sarcastic tone) On a show about marrying an unwed mother/ father of your unborn child, I wonder who was missing on the panel. PROBABLY AN UNWED MOTHER/ FATHER OF AN UNBORN CHILD! I remember watching that show wondered if these people had any idea about their topic of discussion. On several occasions, I felt like, “Vitu kwa ground hukuwa different!” I believe that the show had the right intention, and their proverbial heart was in the right place. I’m super appreciative of that. However, being in that situation of unwed pregnancy, I honestly felt like I had gone to an ice cream shop with no ice cream!
This show happened sometime in 2017, and at the time, it got me very agitated. It was nothing more than anger because I was still getting back on my feet and ‘finding myself’ or whatever, so the wounds weren’t proper scars yet. In all honesty, I applaud the show for trying to bring this issue to the light when it did because people weren’t speaking much about it at the time. It was one of those public secrets about stuff that happens, but no one talks much about it. However, I feel like we can do the issue a little more justice. And that’s why I got on this ‘mission’ (feeling some 007 vibes right about now). I believe we need to make the narrative concerning millennial single parenthood a lot more personal and relatable; it’s the only way to help those who will soon face what we went through and be what we needed when we were where they were are.
With my plan in the wind, I have a new plan. Not the wishful thinking kind of plan but the one that says, “Come what may, I know I’ll be okay.” Sometimes we pressure ourselves to make things work a specific type of way, and we die just a little inside when it doesn’t go as we think it should. Please keep in mind that I never have and will never condone pregnancy before marriage, but one thing I can say is that, from my experience, it’s not the end of the world. Rather than kick people when they’re down, as my husband likes to say, how about showing them what’s next from there? Rather than tell someone how wrong they’ve been, how about tell that they are still worthy of love? That’s what I needed when I was going through depression, and that’s what I hope to offer to those who need this kind of help.
Finally, it’s going to be a mix of emotions reading this book. Some are pathetically depressing, some funny, and others bursting full of pure joy. I hope that this journey will help you find what you need regardless of whether you just found out about the pregnancy, are going through the pregnancy, just had your baby, or even know someone going through this season. It won’t be all joy or all tears, but it will be all helpful by God’s grace. So, welcome to my life as we explore how exactly my plan crushed, burned, and its ashes blew away in the wind.
Keep up the fantastic work! Kalorifer Sobası odun, kömür, pelet gibi yakıtlarla çalışan ve ısıtma işlevi gören bir soba türüdür. Kalorifer Sobası içindeki yakıtın yanmasıyla oluşan ısıyı doğrudan çevresine yayar ve aynı zamanda suyun ısınmasını sağlar.