Last week we went into what single motherhood isn’t by exploring the myths which may be conscious or unconscious thoughts and ideas we hold about this group of people. Having known what it isn’t, it would be important to know what it is and how to best interact with this concept and group of people.
Some people romanticize the idea of being a single mum by showing it as a life of independence and self-reliance. A life where you are the queen of your own story and make all the decisions concerning your home and your kids. Basically, what you say goes.
On the other end of the spectrum is the picture of single motherhood as a life of hardship and daily struggle to raise those kids. A journey of bitterness and pain because people did you wrong and it isn’t the life you deserve.
But in the midst of this mutually exclusive, black and white view of single motherhood, is the grey that is often the actual state of things on the ground which you realize cannot be as neatly put in a box and tied with a bow as people think.
Reality #1: Parenting is hard work
Please note that I haven’t said ‘single’ parenting but parenting in general. Raising a child to the point that they become a well-adjusted adult is an incredible accomplishment even when both parents are involved. How much more when it’s just one parent?
The romanticized idea of a woman who has everything working out just the way it’s supposed to with kids in school and doing well for herself is something that inspires but shouldn’t be an aspiration for someone who simply thinks it’s ‘cool.’ The long nights at the hospital, ridiculous school fees and nagging baby daddy isn’t seen on that day when you meet her on the street carrying her expensive bag and keys to her Mercedes. Or even the proud single mum of the child who just made it through preschool graduation without school fees arrears. Single parenting is hard work and cannot be judged by a moment in time.
Now, just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. Many of us have managed to get to the other end of it and still taking one day at a time by God’s grace, never forgetting that His strength was sufficient during those secret times of pain and struggle.
Reality #2: The reorganized priorities
Any life-altering situation brings with it a change in priorities ranging from whether you’re taking up a course in the university, moving to the nice new house or marrying your high school sweetheart. All these transitions mean that something about your life will have to change significantly to accommodate the shift.
Similarly, single parenting will probably turn your priorities on their head. In my case, while in university, I loved going out with friends, eating nice (I mean junk) food, and basically having a good time like most other teenagers. But once my daughter was conceived (not even born yet), I had to shift my priorities both consciously and unconsciously. I started thinking of what money I could make, save and invest, how I could possibly find a job, what would happen with school etc. because it wasn’t just me I was looking out for anymore.
Having a child isn’t a bucket list item to be checked off, more so if single parenthood seems like the situation you may be in. Having a child is a financial, physical, emotional, psychological and mental decision. Be wise about it.
Reality #3: Dating a whole new ball game
Once, on a lunch date with friends, I was described as an “electric fence” because I was a single parent and guys don’t usually want to date a single mum. At that time, I was in a serious relationship with my then boyfriend (now husband), but it broke me. It made me feel like some of my worth was gone because of my choices. That was then. I told my partner about it and he said “The fence was to protect you from them for me.” That has to be one of the most romantic things he’s ever said! Looking back, I don’t feel upset about it anymore because I no longer feel like it was anything personal.
The truth is that as a single mum, many aspects of dating may not change significantly but there are some crucial things which will change about the process. One of the things is that you have to understand that no every man is willing to step into the role of being a father to children who aren’t biologically his, and that’s okay. You may be seeking security and a co-parent but not just anyone can assume that role.
There are people I know who asked my husband why he would think of marrying a lady with a child and he told them that it was his choice and that choice may not be for everyone. Understand that as a single mum, you may not have the luxury to kiss several frogs before you meet your prince (I don’t advocate for this even when no kids are involved but much much more when they are). Some men may grow into the role even though it was not apparent in the beginning. And others may be absolute naturals at it. Be discerning of what would be best for your child even as you’re bringing a man into your life.
Reality #4: Single parenthood can be a source of motivation
I can confidently say that my life changed for the better (though not immediately) after the birth of my daughter. So much was clearer about life like what was important to me, what wasn’t, what was building me up or tearing me down, and most importantly, what was motivating me to be the best version of myself. I used to think about the kind of person I would want my daughter to look up to and I would feel like I had no choice but to do better for myself. This pushed me towards accomplishments I would never have dreamed of.
Unwed pregnancy isn’t the end of the world. You can choose to see your child as a burden which threw you into a life of misery or as a gift which opened your eyes to the possibility of what life could be. Sometimes pain and trauma have a way of showing us what we don’t want to be and how we can move away from that hurt. Bitterness towards people and life in general can either be a source of motivation to grow or the reason (or crutch) for your stagnation in life. It all comes down to a choice. Choose to harness pain as a motivation for growth.
Reality #5: It doesn’t always last forever
Speaking as someone who found love and marriage even after an unwed pregnancy, I assure you that single motherhood doesn’t always last forever. You don’t have to feel like you’re trapped in the life of loneliness and solitude. You don’t have to always worry about having a father for your kid(s). You don’t have to hold on to resentment and anger so long that it robs you the opportunity to find love. Similarly, you don’t have to be so desperate to find love that you settle for much less than you deserve.
Granted, some single mums have lived the life of raising their kids alone and love it. They have found that they prefer to stay single and that’s absolutely okay. The bottom-line is that as you’re deciding whether to stay single or open your heart to someone else, you must be complete and healed within yourself before deciding which path to take. Any of the two paths, if taken with baggage, will definitely end in more pain and hurt. The priority is that you’re whole enough as a person before looking for fulfillment in a situation of either solitude or relationship.
Black and white can never describe the realities of single motherhood. The circumstances differ way too much to generalize the experience. The most important thing is that you understand yourself and your journey, and work towards making your circumstances the best they can possibly be for you, your child, and if you so wish, your partner.
Amazing masterpiece
Thanks 😊