Single motherhood: 5 myths and misconceptions

Happy July! It’s been a great past month having the financial goal-setting series last week. This week we’ll be talking about the theme: Single Motherhood. And this won’t be for the single mums alone but everyone will have something they can learn or contribute as we go through this month.

Having been a single mum before, I passionately relate to this topic and I hope it’ll be of help to you as a single mum and if you’re not one, may it help you know how to support single mums around you. And so this week I begin very strategically by explaining the myths of single motherhood i.e. what single motherhood is NOT.

If you’ve lived on this earth long enough, you’ve heard someone talk very learnedly about a topic they clearly know nothing about. They have metaphors, analogies, syllabus content and even descriptive stories (sometimes false ones) about stuff they have never interacted with personally. I’ve met several of those in my time as single mum and so I’d like to begin by debunking those false ideas and opinions so that we’re on the same page as we go through this month’s theme.

 

Myth #1: The damsel in distress

This is the myth that most, if not all, single mums are suffering and just need to be saved. This is the belief that they have nothing to offer to this world that would allow them to be the best they can be in providing for their child(ren). It’s the idea that they are weak and cannot get on their feet unless by the Hand of God. If only someone would come to their rescue and save them from the life of misery they got themselves into.

Truth: The direct opposite is not entirely true either. However, it is such a lie that single mums are helpless. Some of the strongest people I know, including myself, have found their strength in the process of single motherhood. It is true that there is the need for love and support but not that without it single mums shrivel and ‘die.’ It is also true that it would be great to have someone to walk the journey with, perhaps family or friends or the child’s father but that isn’t always the case. Regardless, strength has to be mastered to move forward to watch out for the kids. Sometimes, the cavalry comes. But even when it doesn’t, there’s a child’s life on the line. Still we move.

 

Myth #2: The Miss Independent

The myth on the other end of the spectrum is the idea that single mums are supermoms; they fly in red capes and always save the world. That they are invincible because of the strength they have mastered in the course of their very troubled life. This belief lies in this phrase “I am the mum and dad of the child(ren)” which gives rise to the thought of being a “strong independent woman who need no man” (insert serious head shaking, finger wagging and hair flipping here).

Truth: This myth may be born of bitterness and pain brought about by this situation where some men who have failed to step up and take up their responsibility as fathers and families have disowned their daughters following unwed pregnancy, leaving the mothers to do everything regarding raising the little ones. However, she’s doing it alone doesn’t mean that she likes it that way. Granted, some ladies choose to be single mums for various reasons such as choosing to adopt in their singlehood, opting out of an abusive relationship, taking full child custody after a divorce etc. This absolute choice to be a single parent isn’t what I’m talking about. Rather, those whose life circumstances have left them with more than they bargained for.

 

Myth #3: The wanderer

The other myth I find particularly interesting is this one where some people believe that if you’re a single mum, you’re lost and just coasting through life simply to make it to the end of the day. The thought that life is all about getting the kid(s) fed, dressed and safe today just so that you can sleep (kind of), wake up (somehow) and do the same thing tomorrow (hopefully). This belief that the single mum is just wandering through life without goals and purpose in mind which leads some to believe that she will take anything handed to her just so that she can make it through the day with her kid(s) taken care of.

Truth: Getting a child unexpectedly often comes with the challenge of having to be creative and sometimes try not to be too fussy to ensure that your child, before and after they arrive, are okay. What then happens is that the path you were on as a young lady just about your life, gets you to a crossroads because having a child is a life-altering circumstance which has the potential to throw you in whichever direction you choose to take. The lie, however, is that unexpected pregnancy is a death sentence to your life as you know it. While you may CHOOSE to believe this, it can also be the point where your purpose is revealed, motivation is unlocked and growth is attained like it happened for me. You don’t have to look and feel lost if you choose not to be.

 

Myth #4: The zealot

The other myth about single mums which I sometimes don’t even know how to brush off because it is sometimes true is that for some people view single motherhood is one’s identity. I say that this is hard to brush off because it is what some mums have actually done. I was reading Joan Thatiah’s book ‘Damn Girl! Stop That’ where she says that some single mums have made their parenting status a brand by bringing it up everywhere they go. Introducing themselves as a single mum before anything else even in places where it is completely irrelevant. The funniest bit is that the zealot gets upset when people see them as nothing else except a single mum yet that’s what they’ve been putting in people’s faces. This mum has made it hard for some single mums to just be seen as people going through life with their joys and struggles just like everyone else.

Joan recommends “Don’t carry the single mother status as a chip on your shoulder…Don’t plaster your struggle on your forehead.” While it may be true that life is different as a single mum, so is it different as an upcoming business person or an aspiring actor or a politician. Everyone in life has something that forms a critical part of their identity and motherhood definitely is one of those things. However, it is not the whole of who someone is. Allowing who you are, instead of what you do, to be at the forefront in daily interaction gives people the chance to make more accurate judgments of who you are.

 

 

Myth #5: The groupie

This is a trend! One trend I don’t quite like but I have to point it out. This myth is where some people view single motherhood as a social club which takes one of two forms. One, it’s a cool and hip social club of the Miss Independent kind of mums who just rock their way through life with a glass of wine on a yacht in Dubai because they can do this motherhood thing on their own and need no man. On the other hand, there’s the social club of the damsels in distress and wanderers who use the social club as a place of venting and group therapy to help them go through the struggles in life. Whichever way you look at it, none of the two hold any water.

Truth: Single motherhood is a very personal journey. True, you meet some single mums along the way with whom you can share experiences and learn a few things about motherhood that you didn’t know before. However, it’s not about being cool or lost; it’s about how best to travel this path. Business people, students, creatives etc. all come together to share ideas on how to be better at what they do. So do single mums. Not because it’s a cool club or some version of Alcoholics Anonymous, but because it’s better for everyone if people walked the journey having a clue what’s on their other end of it.

 

I honestly think that people have their similarities and differences because we’re all created uniquely and for a purpose. When we judge people based stereotypes, whether good or bad, we fail to know who they really are. Single motherhood is one aspect of who a woman is. Choose to see them as people who happen to be single mums rather than the other way around because it puts the cart before the horse. Choose kindness, both to yourself and others. And a little common sense also goes a long way!