Call it by name

If you need healing, you have to specific about what has been broken
Jackie Hill-Perry

Several weeks ago, the internet was overflowing with the “entanglement” issue concerning Jada and Will Smith. It’s still being talked about and it has definitely made its way into the hall of fame of some of the longest trending memes of 2020. Several things about the situation really struck me but one thing in particular, probably the most obvious thing, was that it was given a ‘cool’ name. Now, I’m not saying this to judge the people involved. God knows there’s things I’ve dealt with and are even dealing which make me unable to point a finger. My concern was just that the violation of a solemn marital commitment – something we would usually call adultery – was reduced to an ‘entanglement.’

Personally, I’ve had my fair share of ‘cool words’ for things I just didn’t want to face or deal with. For instance, I remember when I was younger, probably primary school and a good part of high school, I would really value people’s opinions of me. I loved being complimented and enjoyed being the one who exceled or stood out. What’s ridiculously ironic about this is that I hated the spotlight. I still do. I didn’t like being the center of attention. And yet, when someone would talk about something I did or I said or I am, I would feel somewhat approved. Thank God for the gift of composure because without it, I’d probably melt right through! What’s worse was that negative comments and criticism would hurt me just as intensely as praise would elate me. I really depended on that kind of approval to make friends, get involved in activities, and sometimes, even decide what I liked or didn’t. It was just a sad state and if you haven’t figured it by now, what I was experiencing wasn’t the simple need for approval which is common for many people; it was low self-esteem.

You notice that correctly labeling it completely changes the perspective. The shift from an innate human need for approval to viewing yourself as being worth less than you are really brings out the problem in the situation. And I know that I’m not alone. For some people, they love to be in a romantic relationship with someone (even when the ‘romantic’ part is absent) to the point that they don’t set standards just as long as they aren’t alone. For someone else, they may love partying with friends and having a good time over a drink or ten. It’s a great way to relieve the stress of the day, every day. What they don’t realize is that it’s not a relaxation activity, it’s an addiction to alcohol. While these may be extreme examples, some closer to home may even be our children. We completely pour ourselves into our kids that our identity isn’t complete without them. It may be defended as nurturing motherhood but it really is a codependence issue.

Whenever our identity and perspective on life shifts from what God intended it to be, it all falls apart. You may not immediately think of some grave thing you struggle with but for most people, there’s something that may not even look harmful, unacceptable or even illegal, but it’s a deviation from our identity as defined by God. Matthew Kelly writes “We all have demons we need Jesus to cast out. Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage and self-destructive behavior is never easy. These behaviors make us intimately aware of our own broken humanity. Then we have two choices: We can arrogantly and stubbornly hold on to our self-destructive ways or we can turn to God ask for help.” Think deeply about it and you just might find your version of an ‘entanglement.’

Thankfully, God doesn’t leave us to our own devices especially when we’re hurting and need His Hand to hold. However, like any gentleman, you have to allow Him to help. The first step is for us to call our issue by name. Is it low self-esteem? Addiction? Chronic procrastination? Rebellion? Codependency? Whatever it is, start by giving its rightful name and just then, allow God to get into that space, however messy it may be, and watch Him turn that issue into a testimony, just like He did for me. Obviously, it won’t be an overnight thing, like the flip of a switch; it takes time and commitment but soon enough, the outcome will amaze you, the overflow of grace will overwhelm you and the transformation of self will fulfil you. But all this starts by calling it by name.