Once you have a child together, it’s no secret that your lives will most probably always be intertwined whether he leaves or stays because the existence of your child is a product of the both of you. Therefore, there will be a relationship taking one form or another as you decide what will or won’t work going forward.
However, the underlying assumptions of that relationship often determine the atmosphere of the interaction between a child’s parents. Identifying what these assumptions are and how to intentionally deal with them may be the bridge between where the relationship is (or isn’t) to where it needs to be. As always, all this has to be within the perspective of what’s best for the child.
Assumption #1: “They are all the same”
This is the belief stemming from the fact that most baby daddies are troublesome so you assume all of them are therefore treating yours based on what you have seen and heard even though you haven’t experienced. What then happens is that there ends up being a mix of unnecessary drama, preventable pain and avoidable trauma all because wrong assumptions drove someone’s behavior. And us ladies can be very guilty of this one! We fight battles that are a waste of our time and energy.
I believe that everyone should be given the opportunity to show who they are without having to battle poor judgment and misplaced assumptions in the process. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is often the best way to make decisions. Please note that by this I don’t mean that you should put away common sense and wait for the slap yet you saw the anger three and a half months ago. That’s just foolish. What I mean is that you shouldn’t form significant opinions about someone’s character based on baseless opinions and bad advice.
Assumption #2: “He will provide”
There are people who strongly believe that because he got you pregnant, then he is obligated to provide for you and your child. This will most often involve drama, calling the relatives and even the police to force that provision out of him. Again, let me plug in a caveat here. I don’t mean that he shouldn’t be held accountable. After all, he is half the reason for the existence of the child. By this I mean the ladies who now make everything else his responsibility from the rent to the food and even unashamedly, their self-care like hair and nails. All this has to be a shared effort when seeking accountability of the father. Otherwise, when it becomes a situation where it’s almost as if it’s a punishment on his end, then that ceases to be a reasonable expectation.
Also, some men may choose to abdicate responsibility whether amicably or not. It’s a fact of life. Chasing him down and causing hell every which way isn’t the mature way to handle it. I honestly believe that parenthood is a choice for each party involved. While it is often less of a choice for the mother, it still remains a choice. Therefore, it is of no help in the situation raising a child in an environment where the mother is constantly hunting the man down and coercing financial support and other things, from him. It paints both parents in a bad light.
Assumption #3: “He owes me”
This is very similar to the one about forcing support from the father. This one now comes from the standpoint of the belief that because you’re the mother of his child, you are his responsibility. This assumptions usually takes it a notch higher and comes from the constant comparison with what’s happening in other people’s lives. “Did you see the house Kevo moved Kathy into?” “Did you see the car Andrew got Lilly for her baby shower?” “My child has to attend ABCD School just like kina Asha’s kids!” The need to constantly keep up with the Joneses never helped anyone.
Everyone plays at their level. Just know yours and stick to it. You can’t place your unreasonable expectations on the father of your child just so that you can feel like you fit in. He’s your child’s father, not yours. If he so chooses to get you the car or the baby shower, then that’s fine but not because he’s obligated to meet all your often ill-advised needs. He owes you nothing. I don’t think I can say that any clearer.
Assumption #4: “I’m hurting more than he is”
Having an unwed pregnancy obviously comes with its challenges, especially emotionally. The society often views the woman as ‘less than’ when they have a child outside of wedlock and it can cause some serious trauma if not dealt with appropriately. Interestingly, few people think that it affects the man as much as it does the lady. Therefore, many times the man may have to bear the brunt of the misfortunes of being the one who impregnated the lady without being given the opportunity to vent their frustration.
In my personal opinion and experience, the men also hurt. Having to walk this tough terrain can be tough for both parties especially if the man is one who is responsible. Obviously, the irresponsible ones will walk away and reasonable ladies who let them go without drama will leave them feeling like they ‘missed a bullet’. But for those who care for the child and the mother, they will also feel the weight of the situation and seek to help wherever they can. This kind of responsibility must be respected and their hurts acknowledged.
Assumption #5: “I’m not biased”
Finally, there is this belief that the mother of the child is right all the time and whatever their demands are, they should be met swiftly and without question. Also, they don’t think that it’s unreasonable to want what they want and feel the way they do even though common sense dictates otherwise. They are owed all they ask for and will act as they see fit because either “He’s the one who got me pregnant” or “I’m undergoing too much and no one seems to care”. All this happens and they have no idea that they may be acting off of one bias or another; either from what they’ve heard or seen, or from their warped sense of importance.
I believe that life definitely changes forever once a baby comes and it would be unreasonable to think that it doesn’t. However, I also think that this is a kind of situation where for both parties, they have to be operating at the highest level of both common sense and maturity so that wrong assumptions don’t take over the situation, often destructively. Sometimes, the assumptions may not be anything bad. For example, you may expect that he will be present for hospital visits because you want to begin #teamwork as early as possible for the sake of the child but he may not see it as necessary. Talk through it rather than throw a fit or die silently on the inside. Everyone has a bias. Find what yours is and address is appropriately.
Assumptions are often not talked about as often as they should and when they aren’t the relationship, both between the parents and between the parents and child, suffers. Choose to be reasonable in your opinions and decisions by being conscious of assumptions and dealing with them as maturely as possible. It just might be the difference between a horrible and an amicable relationship with your baby daddy.
Amazing 📍
Thank you 😊
Amazing 📍