Our experiences in life are quite diverse owing to various factors in our everyday lives. The combination of these varied factors make up our reality whether positively or negatively. Such is the case for the single motherhood journey as well. Everyone has the story of their life written through the experiences they’ve undergone. Whether good or bad, they are the bricks that build the home of our reality. So what are the make or break aspects of our single motherhood journey?
Determinant #1: The state of your heart and mind
Life’s experiences make us who we are; they affect us in ways we sometimes are unable to control. However, we make the best of these experiences by choosing to learn and grow through them. Someone said that “life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” I don’t know how true that is but the gist of it is that the control that we have isn’t what happens but how we react.
We have seen people go through life having experienced trauma and developed toxic amounts of guilt, bitterness and shame while others have gone through the same and found purpose, meaning and motivation. This isn’t to put down those who have ended up in worse situations than they were in because of what happened to them. It is just to show that our internal state will determine how we perceive life and by extension, what our life will be like, including our single motherhood journey.
Determinant #2: The friends you keep
Another quote often mentioned is one that says that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Think about who your closest friends are and you can see several patterns of similarity in your lives. You may end up liking or disliking similar things, you may find new interests after spending so much time with them or your outlook on life may even align, whether it be negative or positive.
The same applies as you go through the journey of single motherhood. If you spend so much time with hateful, bitter and vengeful people, it won’t be a surprise if you slowly slip into the same mindset. But it is also true that if you’re surrounded by positive, encouraging and supportive people, the experience drastically changes for the better. The journey of life isn’t easy, more so as a single mum. Find people who make that journey better and more uplifting.
Determinant #3: The man you have
This is specifically about the father of your child. The diversity of baby daddies is infinite! They may range from the most supportive to the completely toxic and no two of them are the same. Therefore, knowing and understanding the one you have changes your ability to navigate that relationship to the best of your ability.
Please note that your personality as the mother significantly affects what this dynamic will look like because it only takes one person to either ignite or diffuse an explosive situation. If you understand that someone is set in their ways regardless of how much they hurt you, then you know that the best way is to find a life away from that situation. But if you have a man who is supportive and takes up responsibility, then needless to say, that single motherhood journey will be a lot smoother.
Determinant #4: The information you consume
I found some of the most growth in my life after being an unwed mum in content I consumed specifically from listening and reading up on content which equipped me better for my own journey. I obviously didn’t adopt everything I read and heard but they were invaluable tools which helped me along the way. You may find that someone’s story sounds an awful lot like yours making it easy to relate with and know how to handle your situation. Others may be very far removed from what you’re going through but will equip you to know how to help someone else. Whichever way you look at it, the content we consume gives us the tools to help ourselves or those around us.
Most importantly, we have to be careful about the content we choose to spend a lot of time on because they shape our mindset and attitude. While understanding reality and the horrors of the situation may be useful, it is just as important to find content which shows you how to stay away or run away from such toxicity rather than dwell on the negative without finding a solution.
Determinant #5: The future you focus on
Finally, you have to have a future you’re working towards or else you may end up settling for anything. When you have a goal you’re reaching for, it becomes easier to find the road that gets you there. Some people may say that this is your definition of success and it’s different for everyone. Success may be that you have your child comfortably attending the best schools, or you having the opportunity to travel. I remember Trevor Noah said that for him, after living a life of poverty, he hoped to one day be able to buy all the food he needed without thinking about whether they had the money for it. Find out what your definition of success is and work towards it. You will find that you will live a much more intentional and fulfilled life knowing that there is a purpose for which you are choosing to live.
The people and perspective with which you travel the journey of single motherhood with will either make or break your experiences. The choices we make about these five things, among others, will greatly influence how we eventually come out on the other end. Will it be with bitterness and rage or lessons and purpose?
