There was one time, not too long ago, I went to lunch with two of my friends. I don’t know how we got to it but at some point, one of them told the other one that he knew some people who had a serious crush on her but couldn’t for the life of them approach her to express how they felt. They went back and forth on who it could be and then she asked him jokingly if anyone had a crush on me. Now I didn’t think much about it because I was already in a very happy and serious relationship. However, he went on to say that he did know but none would approach me because since I have a child, I’m an “electric fence.”
Obviously, that statement struck me really hard, especially because I wasn’t ready or expecting to hear anything in the ballpark of such a comment. I zoned out for a minute there and then felt shattered but like is my fashion, I remained composed like nothing happened. Then went home and cried my eyes out that night. It touched a wound I thought was healed and struck a nerve I had no idea was that sensitive. It then got me to think about whether I had really healed after over five years since my pregnancy. It made me question whether I was really worthy to want the things I want, including being loved by the man I was with.
The next morning, I talked to my mum about it. I was still recovering from all that and she made me think through things really deeply about my emotional and psychological state. I knew that I had come really far in my healing process but she showed me that sometimes, when you don’t yield to the process fully, some things fall through the cracks and it shows when situations like these come up to horrifically knock you right off your feet. The truth was that I hadn’t dealt with lots of self-esteem issues since the time I was in depression. And so because my self-worth wasn’t solid, anything negative could sway how I viewed myself.
My mum helped me see that people are a product of their experiences. If all single mums you know are selfish, arrogant, and crazy, then you’ll always see them as an “electric fence”. If all single mums you know are responsible, focused and kind, then you’ll be open to them. My point is that while some people are just mean and reckless about how they talk, most people speak from the point of experience. Whether they are good or bad experiences, they determine how we respond to people’s outlook on life.
To all single mums, you’ll definitely have an experience where someone stereotypically makes a comment that may be as unsolicited as it is untrue. And they may think that they are right. You may not be able to change what they think about you but you can decide how you want to react. Choose to take the path of peace. Get to know why they think the way they do. Apart from the outright mean ones, you’ll find that most people just made a bad judgment based on one or a few bad experiences. My friend, I believe, spoke as a person whose outlook on single mums may have been clouded by unfortunate experiences or opinions. But I can tell you for sure that there is no one-size-fits-all way of defining who single mums are and what we are like. You just have to be open-minded to find out what kind of individual someone is because honestly, we ain’t all crazy!